Archive for January, 2010

Candles spell out the traditional English birt...
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Yesterday was my solar calendar birthday.  11 days ago was my Hebrew birthday … an auspicious moment according to Chassidic thought.  It is a time where one’s mazel is at the strongest.  Hashem invested in me my unique strengths and qualities. What an investment!  It is awesome!    He gave me the gift of life.  I am very grateful!

I can only hope that Hashem grants the gift of babies to the many Jewish women who have cried out to Hashem and shed countless tears at the Gates of Heaven.  Hashem we are ready… please grant us our dream  … surrounded by children like olive shoots…..

As Jewish women, we have awesome roles…. not just as mothers but as Bas Yisrael, wife, daughter, sister, friend, etc.  We have the capacity to birth life physically.  We also have the capacity to bring forth light via mitzvoth.  We can also bring light to another soul through kind words and acts of chesed…..

Hashem I am happy …. yet at the same time I am sad…  Every suffering every pain is designed to lead us to the ultimate joy….presently I cannot see it… May it be soon…that my present status of an empty womb be substituted with the reality of life growing within me…  only You can work miracles… only You!!!

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Hola Valley, Norway
Image by jónr via Flickr

My favorite tehillim is #23 which talks about walking through the valley of the shadow of death and Hashem is there with us.  As happily married as I am, there is a shadow that hovers over myself and my husband.  It is the shadow of infertility.  A lot of tefila and a lot of tears and still no baby.  It breaks my heart that I have no baby for me and my husband to enjoy….All through this trial, I have been angry at Hashem, angry at myself, and sad that I have been left out.  You see when you are frum and you all of a sudden start hanging out with frum families, it seems that virtually every month someone is either pregnant or has just given birth.   By Divine Providence, I have been excluded from this privilege, standing on the sidelines with empty arms and a heavy heart.

The only words of wisdom that I could possibly offer is that Hashem is very much with us during our darkest moments.  In addition, the principles expressed in “The Garden of Emuna” are true.  Everything is from Hashem, and that our trials are given for our soul correction.   Ultimately everything that Hashem does is for our own good, our own tikkun.  Someday we will understand the reason why we were chosen to endure the pain of infertility.    In the meantime, it is terrible being in this predicament.

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