Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for February, 2010

Painting of the Tomb of Rachel
Image via Wikipedia

I feel like I have elements of Sarah, Rivkah, and Rochel in me.  Like Sarah, I am sarcastically laughing.  Me pregnant with a Jewish soul yeah right!  Like Rikvah I am desperately imploring my husband to daven to Hashem for a child.  Like Rochel I am willing to try any herbs that has the potential to get me pregnant.  If someone told me to eat black soil to derive the rich nutrients to trigger ovulation, I just might do it (just kidding!)

It helps to have a sense of humor through this trying time.  The only way to maintain joy in the midst of a very very painful experience.  I would rather have 20 root canals than deal with the pain of possessing a barren, wasteland of a womb that feels totally empty and dark.  Oy!

I am surprised Baruch Hashem that I have not lost my sanity!

Enhanced by Zemanta
Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Today

A depiction of a Purim "ra'ashan", a...
Image via Wikipedia

Today I poured my heart out to Hashem.  Patience is a tough thing to cultivate.  During the month of Adar we are to increase our joy.  How can I increase my joy when we have no children of our own to share the wonders of Purim?  I would love to have a baby to read Megillah Esther to.    Oh to be filled with joy!  I feel like I am going through the mechanics of life.  Nothing seems exciting anymore.  If it is I think it is temporal.

At least I poured out my heart to Hashem in self-pity.  If I am alone I might as well have a pity party.

I can at least say that my only happiness right now is being married.  It could be worst….. I could be alone… with nothing but a 9 to 5 job.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Read Full Post »

Egg timer of the traditional hourglass type
Image via Wikipedia

I write this for myself and any potential reader.  Weeks and weeks of waiting for my IVF appointment.  This is truly a test of my patience.  Since my initial consultation, I was waiting to get pregnant months ago.  I  had envisioned being pregnant by now,  getting ready for the imminent birth.  Here I sit with empty arms, empty womb, and heavy, heavy heart.  My baby is the burden of infertility.  Hashem does not give us more than what we can handle.  This is for the good.  My head says this but my heart cannot absorb.  I feel numb.  I know my life is more than this infertility… this sense of failure.. I strive to find meaning in all of this… I seek clarity.  This is the valley of the shadow of death…. I am walking solo….. yet somehow Hashem is with me although I cannot feel His Presence.    I have not recited a tearful prayer in what seems like eternity…  Now here we are in the month of Adar and I am supposed to be happy.  Yeah Hashem!  What do You want me to do?  A dance on my dining room table?  Forgive the sarcasm.  This is me  Rivkah with my wounds raw….  bleeding, bleeding…… it could be far worst.  I am grateful, grateful that I was not born an Iranian or Saudi Arabian woman dressed in a burka….  See there is always something to be grateful for if one looks….

I have to think positively….. what if one day I feel new life in my womb…. what if one day I am walking outside in the sunshine  high on life because my dream has come true… what if… what if… what if…… Hashem please let my dream come true ….. I will be so grateful…. I am ready to be a Jewish mother… even though I do not daven regularly, I am willing, willing willing to raise a Torah abiding Jew full of ahavas Israel and love of Hashem.   Hashen what korban must I offer?  I have tried to be better about giving tzedekah… Do not forget me… do not forget Your daughter.. After all I am Your Princess in Your Palace and You are the King….  I am not just your subject with whom you have a detached interest.  Just as a parent wants the best for her child, so too I believe you have my best interest in Your heart…..

Enhanced by Zemanta

Read Full Post »