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Archive for September, 2010

Rosh Hashana | Hebrew New Year's 2010
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I am encouraged to see that over 400 people have viewed my blog and I hope that in some way several of you are encouraged by my writings.  If so, I have a lot of joy, knowing that in someway I made a tiny difference.  I hope to see your comments.  I also welcome suggestions.

Rosh HaShana 5771.  We are in a New Year.  Am I excited?  Part of me says yes and the other part no.    Yes – because we are in a New Year, and therefore, a chance that my Decree from Shamayim will be sweet with good news of my pregnancy and birth!  No – because for several Rosh HaShana’s I hoped against hope that this would be the year that I became pregnant, and each year ended in painful disappointment.

I look back over the years to see if I learned anything.  Did I grow?  I think so.  I went from being a Conservative Non-Jew who went to a Conservative synagogue to becoming an Orthodox Jew.  My husband and I became more observant.  We  have grown closer to each other through our personal challenges.   We have taken on Hashem’s mitzvoth.  Most important of all, we are drawing closer to Hashem.

While davening at shul, for a split second, I actually felt awe and fear of Hashem’s judgment.  I am trying to internalize that whatever judgment Hashem has decreed for me is for my good.  It is hard because I am afraid what if it is the decree that I do not want.  I must activate my emunah, bitachon, and tikva (faith, trust, and hope).  Without these three attributes, all I have is darkness and sorrow.   My emunah tells me that Hashem is very much with me, and that this test will soon be over with positive results achieved; bitachon tells me that Hashem has my best interest in heart and that despite my deep pain, I do not have to despair, even though I feel that I am at the bottom of the deepest pit in total darkness; and tikva provides me the assurance that Hashem will answer my tefila and grant me the desires of my heart.

Right now I am feeling nothingness because I have not 100% internalized emunah, bitachon, and tikva.  Otherwise, I would be all smiles, and people at shul would flock to talk to me.   I seek Hashem’s forgiveness,  guidance, and help.   During Rosh Hashana not only did I acknowledge Hashem’s sovereignty and ask for  children, but also that I make His will mine, even if it meant that I might not get what I want.   That was very difficult.

Here we are at the beginning New Year.  In a few days, our decree will be sealed.  May we all have our heartfelt prayers answered.  May each and everyone of us who desires a child, be joyful and grateful mothers in 5771, grateful to Hashem for His miracles.  I ask Hashem’s help in not feeling jealousy or resentment toward the frum mothers who proudly push their strollers carrying their bundles of joy.  I feel so alone yet I must cling to Hashem for He is my rock and my salvation.  Shana tova.  G’mar chatima tova!

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My Heart is Broken….

Shabbat Candles
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My heart is broken into a million pieces four days before Rosh HaShana.  Shabbos morning went to shul to daven because this is the last Shabbos of 5770.  I davened with a lot of kavana and felt very close to Hashem.    Despite the strollers and recurrent pain, I was in a better frame of mind.   I talked to a few people, and then a friend who is around my age comes to me and says that she is pregnant and it was unexpected.  Baruch Hashem I said that I was happy for her.  Baruch Hashem that I meant it.  She told me she was davening for me and I said thanks, that just this past summer I lost 3 embryos….. The conversation continued for a little bit.  When she left to talk to someone else, I turned to my husband who was talking to my friend’s husband.  He asked my husband if he heard the news.  I didn’t hear the rest of the conversation because the color had left my face and my strength was slowly ebbing away, and I had to rush out the door.    The weather was gorgeous and I was relatively alone.   I did not care if someone would see me.  I started to cry.  Looking at the blue sky, I spoke to Hashem.  I cannot remember what I said to Him.  I only remember feeling so left out.  I felt that perhaps Hashem did not bless me with a pregnancy because of my bad middos.  My husband and another friend told me that I do not have bad middos, and that I am sad because I too want to be pregnant.

My husband was sad too.  He felt weak and depressed.  Our last Shabbos in 5770 ended in sadness and tears.  I quoted one of the lines from Tehillim to my husband, “Weeping may endure for a night but joy is coming in the morning…”  Another line I quoted, ‘You will sow in tears and reap in joy.”

Hashem please help me to learn what I supposed to learn.  If You think that I am not ready for the ultimate bracha, please help me be ready.

I would give anything to have an unexpected pregnancy.  And you know, it is all up to Hashem.  I cried. I ate some ice cream.  I polished off a bar of chocolate (thank God I did not eat meat on Shabbos), I said Tehillim, and I talked to Hashem.  I am soo afraid, what if I never get pregnant.  But you know,  it is not up to me.  I pray for Hashem’s mercy and that it is His will that I have a child, if not twins.  Please Hashem You are in the field.  Please do not forget little Rivky.

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