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Archive for October, 2010

The waterfall of my dreams

I have mentioned in prior blogs that the hardest part of infertility is being in the Orthodox Jewish world.  While it is wonderful that we are thwarting Hitler through the birth of every Jewish baby, being left out is the toughest emotional challenge.   No matter how small or large the shul is,  even with the passage of time, the pain is still there.  There is no escaping pregnant women or birth announcements.  Recently I heard the announcement of the birth of a baby boy.  I feel crappy for myself although I am happy for the family.  I cried out to Hashem that the pain is becoming very unbearable.  The burden and guilt associated with being the one with the fertility issue hurts to the very core of my neshama.  Yet what can I do?  I am powerless, at the mercy of Hashem’s compassion and loving kindness.

I do not know what words of encouragement that I can offer to myself and others as I go through this pain which is a natural part of the process.  I am learning a lot about myself through this very unpleasant journey across the valley of infertility.   There are certain negative characteristics that have been instilled in me through my very super critical parents.  As a child, I was compared to others.  I also heard tons of negative comments about other people.  As a result, it has been ingrained to view myself in the context of other people.  As Rabbi Arush would say, we each have our individual soul correction to go through.  I am having a tough time accepting the fact that infertility is part of my soul correction.  The fact that other women have babies, or are pregnant, has no bearing on my present circumstance.   The challenge is to accept my suffering with love and  enuma, with the knowledge that soon this present situation will be over.

I have also heard that if we all were to lay down our packages, representing the very tests that Hashem has given us, and offered a choice of selecting a package that we could live with, we would pick the original package that was given to us.

As for the waiting and waiting until I get to travel to see my doctor for the next round of treatments, I must be patient and use this time to the best of my G-D given ability to grow.  May the tears of pain that I weep today turn into tears of joy over the unfolding of Hashem’s greatest miracle.

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Having just emerged from Simhat Torah, the High Holidays are finally over.  Overall,  I enjoyed the High Holidays which were very good and refreshing despite the occasional twinges associated with seeing children on their tatti’s shoulders during Hakafos.  I kept whispering to Hashem, “Please let it be this year!”  This is a new year with a fresh opportunity to draw closer to Hashem and grow from this test.   I am feeling extra sensitive, and hope to direct it toward being sensitive to other Jews and their pain.

I read a very encouraging story about a New Year with a New Mazal.  A couple in Yirushalayim had struggled with infertility for 19 years, and the fertility clinic had no hope to offer.  Yet they refused to give up and persisted with their davening.  Both were very diligent about their Torah observance. The husband, Moshe, was unusually careful about one particular mitzvah, Kiddush Levanah.  Every month he anticipated this wonderful mitzvah of blessing the new moon, and a new month.  One month due to the cloudy skies and rain, he could not view the moon so he proceeded to find a location where he could perform this mitzvah.  Finally, on the 14th of Teves, he and his friend drove to a place near Chevron for Kiddush Levanah.  After performing the mitzvah, they danced and sang and then proceeded to daven at the burial place of Rochel Imanu.  A group of Chassidim had been moved by the way Moshe had said Kiddush Levanah and the happiness with which he performed this mitzvah.  They approached him and requested that he share his story. After hearing Moshe’s story, they each requested Hashem for Moshe to be blessed with a child, and pleaded with Rochel Imamu to cry and daven for Moshe and his wife to have a baby.

A little over 9 months later, the couple were blessed with twin girls.

As the 11th of Chesvan approaches, the yartzeit of Rochel Imanu, I pray that we all will be blessed with our little miracles.  Please Rochel Imanu please please daven for Rivka Rochel Bas Sarah and Noach Shlomo Ben Chaya, and for every childless Jewish couple who have month after month and year after year cry out for children.

May this be the year of ultimate spiritual transformation and good news of  miracles after miracles after miracles.

Let us all draw closer to Hashem and perform each mitzvah as if our very lives depended on it!

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