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Archive for January, 2011

The Matengai of Kuniga Coast in Nishinosima (O...

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Sometimes I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a cliff – the infertility cliff.  There is a huge chasm that separates the other side from where I am on.  The other side of the cliff represents the fertile world that most frum women are fortunate to be in.  I am at a point where I need Hashem’s break through.  You see I do everything I can to not feel so intensely about having a baby.  It is very difficult to do because in the frum world, women between 20 and 50 are immersed in their children.   Even the holidays have a child centric orientation as well – with the exception of Yom Kippur and Tisha B’Av.

To add to my challenge, we belong to a small shul with 20 or less families attending regularly.  The shul is in a house and the kiddush hall is is a small living room.  When there are 40 people, it is like being crammed in like sardines.  Add to that the strollers that stand near the doorway, the little kids running around, and the pregnant women.  To a woman in my situation, it is like adding salt to the wound.  Unfortunately I am the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve.

Since we moved to our new community a year and a half ago, within the shul there have already been 2 births.  There are currently 2 pregnancies which in the grand scheme of things is not a lot.  Relative to the smallness of the shul it is.  For the most part, I have dealt with it through limiting my shul attendance.

This past week-end at a kollel retreat I had a horrible time.   I went in with a positive attitude.  Candle lighting was difficult especially since mothers were lighting with their children.  I still lit my candles and did a short cut version of my usual davening.  Then  I went to Kabbalos Shabbos.   I noticed that physically I was not feeling well – PMS combined with a nasty headache.  I still davened with kavana, and immersed myself in the cantor’s voice singing to Carlebach melody.  I visualized our prayers ascending the throne of heaven, emanating a sweet fragrance.  Then came the evening experience with tons and tons of kids running around the hotel halls and dining area.  I started to feel drained.

We women understand very well the impact hormones can have on our emotions and mind.  I did not have the energy to be positive.  Plus I was focusing on the pain of what I do not have, coupled with the total absorption of others in their own worlds to even reach out to my husband and I.

Even though engaging in self-pity is not healthy, somethings it is good to just let it all out and move forward.  Our lives is a journey where, like it or not, we have to move forward.  Time marches forward.  We have an opportunity to make a difference to others, and to contribute something phenomenal.   I am working on what that means in my life.

B’ezrat Hashem, our next treatment will be successful.  My prayer for all of us going through this journey is that the pain of infertility  will be over soon.  Hashem will test us in other ways.  I believe this present pain will enable us to deal with the other tests more effectively.

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