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Archive for June, 2011

Cover of "Mother"

Cover of Mother

After weeks and weeks of trying to get a hold of my fertility clinic,  I was disappointed to learn that for 2 weeks they will be closed.  Doing fertility treatment is difficult enough but when it is across the state it is doubly difficult, especially with planning and making travel arrangements.  I like the clinic and the staff there.  Yet there are all these logistical hurdles to cross.

Today I experienced  sheer joy when I got a definitive date to do the transfer of the frozen embryo, but there are timing factors and several issues that are too complicated to get into.  Added to this, are my feelings of being so scared and hopeful at the same time.  I want so much to have a child, to experience pregnancy, to day dream about my future child, and to one day hold my and my husband’s baby and give unconditional love.  My heart holds a lot of love for my unborn haby.  Despite these numerous lapses in my faith, I believe deep down inside the recesses of my neshama that I WILL BE A MOTHER with G-D’s help.  Do you think for one moment G-D would be so cruel as to have created me within me this strong heartfelt desire to have children since the age of 14.   How many 14 year olds dream of getting married and having children?

Life has unexpected twists and turns.  I am very very grateful to have my husband whom I love deeply.  We have had our fair share of challenges, and are ready for good things to happen.  This journey through infertility has been sheer hell.  I would not wish this on anyone.  I do not want this for myself and other couples.  As much as I love my husband, I wish we could have children to complete our family.  I would love to raise Jewish children, to teach our 3 year old daughter to light Shabbos candles.  I would love to see her hug my husband, and hear her say, “Tatti I love you.” I would love to see my husband teach our son how to recite Birchas HaMazon.  I dream of seeing our son walking to shul with my husband.  I dream of making challah with my babies and watching them get flour all over themselves.  I dream of buying frilly socks and black patent leather shoes for my baby girl.  I dream of  hearing baby laughs.  I dream of having a noisy house full of the chatter of children, and a peaceful evening with my husband.  I dream of seeing my husband look with fascination at our baby and not somebody else’s baby.    As you can see, dear readers,  I have a list of dreams that are endless.

With sheer determination and tenacity, I want to pursue my dream with Hashem’s help.  Ultimately, He is the Decider.  Dear Hashem as I write this, please, please, please have mercy on Rivka Rochel Bas Sarah.  Please, please, please when I do the transfer, cause this embryo to implant unto my uterus. May it hang on for dear life, and even divide to form two blastocysts.

Hashem, I have not been a good girl spiritually.  Lately, I have not davened or studied Torah, or said many tehillim.   Please, please, please have chesed and end this trial.  I will be truly grateful to you and I promise, I will do everything to create a loving home full of Hashems’ Presence and to raise our children to be kind, decent, caring Jews who love You and who want to perform mitzvoth. I promise to do everything to model what it means to be a good Jew.”

The frozen embryo represents hope of a bright future filled with so much possibilities, of dreams fulfilled.  I want my husband to experience the joys of being a father.  I so want us to be a beautiful Jewish family with a lot of love and kindness to extend to each other and those in need.

Hashem, please let us all experience the words in your tehillim – “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy is coming in the morning.”  May we all merit to hear good news soon, and may you answer every tefila speedily.  May we never cease to dream, and may each dream come true.

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