Archive for September, 2011

My dearest child who is yet to be born,

I write this to you, a neshama who has not yet found a home in a Jewish woman’s womb.  It is my heartfelt prayer that you are reserved for me, that somehow Hashem in His compassion set you aside for me,  Rivka Rochel.  I have stood by the sidelines watching everyone else experience the joy of bringing into this world a beautiful neshamale.  I hope to no longer be an outsider. That I too will have my neshamale to welcome into this world.

Waiting for you has been a long and arduous journey for your father and I.  We hold in our hearts an overabundance of love.  You are the pure Jewish soul, we eagerly awaited all these years through a river of tears. We went through all kinds of medical procedures for this miraculous day – your birth.

In this journey, my connection with Hashem has had its ups and downs.  Yet I know Hashem is real and He knows us intimately. You see as undeserving as I am for a miracle, Hashem knew that I am the right mother for you, because you need the love that has been stored in my heart all these years.  A love that He created.  Just as He created you, He created in me this strong yearning for a child.

I want to instill in your heart a strong love for Hashem and a deep connection to Him.  I want you to be the kind of Jew that I am striving to be – a simple, loving, and caring person.  I am very far from that goal, since there is so much I am currently dealing with.  In time I hope to be like refined silver, purified seventy times seven.

I want you to witness the devotion with which I light Shabbos candles.  If you are a girl, I will teach you how to light your own candles at age 3.   It is with joy that I will gaze at your total awe and amazement over the flickering candle lights.  If you are a boy, you will accompany your father to sing Lecha Dodi at age 3.  He will be your example of how to pray with utmost concentration.

There are so many adventures to be had.  Your father will teach you how to ride a bike, and I will teach you how to write a poem.  You will learn how to read a map from your father because I am hopeless when it comes to directions.  I will introduce you to the wonderful world of making challah and a huge floury mess.   We will go hiking.  We will go on car trips.  We will ensure that you get a well rounded Jewish and secular education.  We will teach you your English and Hebrew alphabets.  We will teach you how to do negel vasser, the morning prayers, birchas ha mazon, and a host of brachoth.

Since you are not here yet,  I need to daven more, read tehillim, and internalize being grateful to Hashem for not giving you to me yet.  To everything under the sun there is a time and a season.

Right now you are a dream in my heart.  Soon with Hashem’s help, you will be a reality in my arms.

With love



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Elul and Transformation

Western wall in Jerusalem at night
Image via Wikipedia.

Every High Holiday, I prayed fervently for the same thing.  I approach each Rosh Hashana with fresh expectation that perhaps this will be the year.  Perhaps the previous year, I was not ready.  Maybe now I am closer to being ready to receive that ultimate blessing.  It’s not for me to speculate.  I must have total bitachon (trust) in Hashem.

Struggling with infertility makes me depend more and more on Hashem.  I have dealt with anger and frustration with Hashem for being in the Orthodox Jewish world without a stroller to proudly push to shul.   I have dealt with feeling so invisible because women with kids thought it more important to trade stories about their children, the Torah Day School, or oooh and ahhh over each others’ child than getting to know me.   I have dealt with various well meaning but insensitive comments that have ranged from ” what if Hashem does not want you to have a child,” to ” just relax and have fun with your husband,” to “maybe you should consider natural anti-depressants,” to “perhaps you had lots of children in a previous life”, etc.

I have a coping strategy that involves managing my social activities.   I have frequently engaged in a process of giving in and saying “Hashem You are the only One in control.  Any sense of control I may feel is merely an illusion.”  In addition,  my husband and I are studying the “Garden of Gratitude” – everything from Hashem is for the best, and to be grateful for His blessings and the suffering we go through.  Tall order for something so intensely painful.   The month of Elul is a month of transformation.  I can only hope that I am being refined like silver, purified seventy times seven until Hashem sees His reflection in me.  This thought brings tremendous comfort in a sadly painful world that  most of the frum world is totally oblivious to (a topic for discussion in another post)

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