Archive for the ‘IVF’ Category

8-cell embryo for transfer 3 days after fertil...

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Because I had an embryo transfer during an auspicious time, I felt relatively positive that I would be sitting down to our seder feeling the ultimate redemption – freedom from IF (infertility).  But Hashem had other plans.  Thank G-D we have a frozen blastocyst.  I can now speak the fertility medical jargon.  Too bad I do not have MD after my last name because I know what field I would be in.   I affectionately call our blastocyst when speaking with my husband, “Our frozen child.”

People with IF are special.  It takes strength to carry on with day to day life, and to live in an Orthodox Jewish community without going insane.  Since I had my treatment, two babies made their entrance. Baruch Hashem. Every year several frum women are either pregnant or giving birth.  Baruch Hashem for them.   After we spent a lot of money, all I now have is an empty womb, and my frozen child.   Yes I do have my husband, so I do have something to be grateful about.

My husband says. “Our dawn is coming.”  He is right.   Without fail, dawn comes after darkness; redemption after oppression.  Pesach is a time of redemption.  I will gather up my internal strength and march forward toward redemption after intensive cleaning and meal preparations.   Right now, I do not feel like doing much of anything.  All I can do is give myself a set time to grieve, and a set time to get some work done.

As my nurse said yesterday, ” Persistence pays off.”  My husband knows very very well that I am a very persistent person.

I am not an expert embryologist but from what I can tell, the picture that I posted is one perfect 6-cell blastocyst. I cannot help asking myself this question, ” How did Octomom get 8 embryos in one cycle and 6 embryos in another, and all ended up in babies?”  Sad to say some of her babies have disabilities.  Yet during my latest cycle, out of 7 fertilized eggs, 3 made it to the blastocyst phase.   What can I say?

I would never want to have more than twins growing inside me (maybe triplets), out of a sense of ethics.  But if we had 8 frozen blastocysts to fall back on,  I know full well my husband would be one nervous wreck.

Yes, persistence with prayer ultimately pays off.  What am I praying for?  A successful transfer, and who knows, the ultimate unfolding of my dream to somehow have twins.   From my lips to Hashem’s ears.


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Failed IVF

Blastocyst on day 5 after fertilization Courte...
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Monday June 14, 2010 was a day of hope.  Went in with a full bladder for Day 3 transfer of 3 embryos that looked perfect in my eyes.  According to our doctor one was Grade A, and the other two B+ and B-.  Given my lining and great condition of my uterus, I was hopeful.  During my 24 hour rest, I even noticed spotting and felt confident that the embryos had snuggled into my lush lining.  The two- week wait for my blood test had started in full force.

My husband and I used the two week period to travel a little to see friends and family.  We even went to see a Cleopatra exhibit and a movie.  Slowly but surely each day crept along.  During the fist week, I felt so good and so positive.  The following Wednesday I had a sense of foreboding.  Still I held out hope.

Sunday June 27th before my husband left for Denver to attend a conference, I took a home pregnancy test which came out negative.  My heart sank.  Should have listened to my husband and not taken the test.  After all there is always a possibility of false positives or false negatives.

Monday June 28th rolled around.  Since I was less than a mile from the fertility clinic I walked.  Somehow my heart felt heavy.  I prayed that that doctor would see me for a few minutes to answer my questions.  8:30 AM rolled around and I was called in for my blood test.  After my blood test and progesterone shot, the doctor said he would see me in between patients. He reassured me that if I had a negative blood test, he was not giving up.  He just said despite the negative HPT to wait and see.

I walked to where I was staying, feeling somewhat better.  Went to the grocery store and learned about Shabbos candle lighting with a friend over the phone.  Once I was in my room, I distracted myself via going on the net.  Around lunch time the phone call came.  It was not good news.  My heart sank.  My dreams of having triplets shattered.  Called my husband with the news and then talked to my mother-in-law.  It was truly a sad day.

While searching for various articles and inspirations, I came across a piece that was written a year and a half ago about Rivki Holtzberg.  Despite her personal challenges, she always managed to smile.  I wanted to emulate her.  After all everything comes from Hashem and as the daughter of the King, He has my best interest at heart.  Perhaps I did not get pregnant because the timing was not right.  Perhaps I need to work on certain areas of my middos.  I felt the need to accept Hashem’s decree with love.  Still that does not mean that it is always easy, or smooth sailing.  There are times I feel the tears under the surface.  The potential for  me to carry Jewish life had died.  I had that reminder in the physical realm a few days later….

Now from a sense of despair I have hope, yet I feel so much in limbo because now I need to wait for an appointment and resumption of treatment.   I have a lot to prepare for  both physically and spiritually.  May Hashem help me to transform into a vessel ready to receive His ultimate blessing.

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