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Posts Tagged ‘Reproductive Health’

The waterfall of my dreams

I have mentioned in prior blogs that the hardest part of infertility is being in the Orthodox Jewish world.  While it is wonderful that we are thwarting Hitler through the birth of every Jewish baby, being left out is the toughest emotional challenge.   No matter how small or large the shul is,  even with the passage of time, the pain is still there.  There is no escaping pregnant women or birth announcements.  Recently I heard the announcement of the birth of a baby boy.  I feel crappy for myself although I am happy for the family.  I cried out to Hashem that the pain is becoming very unbearable.  The burden and guilt associated with being the one with the fertility issue hurts to the very core of my neshama.  Yet what can I do?  I am powerless, at the mercy of Hashem’s compassion and loving kindness.

I do not know what words of encouragement that I can offer to myself and others as I go through this pain which is a natural part of the process.  I am learning a lot about myself through this very unpleasant journey across the valley of infertility.   There are certain negative characteristics that have been instilled in me through my very super critical parents.  As a child, I was compared to others.  I also heard tons of negative comments about other people.  As a result, it has been ingrained to view myself in the context of other people.  As Rabbi Arush would say, we each have our individual soul correction to go through.  I am having a tough time accepting the fact that infertility is part of my soul correction.  The fact that other women have babies, or are pregnant, has no bearing on my present circumstance.   The challenge is to accept my suffering with love and  enuma, with the knowledge that soon this present situation will be over.

I have also heard that if we all were to lay down our packages, representing the very tests that Hashem has given us, and offered a choice of selecting a package that we could live with, we would pick the original package that was given to us.

As for the waiting and waiting until I get to travel to see my doctor for the next round of treatments, I must be patient and use this time to the best of my G-D given ability to grow.  May the tears of pain that I weep today turn into tears of joy over the unfolding of Hashem’s greatest miracle.

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This baby is one month old.
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Recently a friend asked this very poignant question, ‘What are you doing besides trying to get pregnant?”  As someone struggling with infertility getting pregnant is constantly on my mind.  I had to take a step back and analyze her question.  What I am doing besides trying to get pregnant.  Yes keeping busy does help.  Recently we moved from one apartment complex to another so my energy has been occupied with moving.  I also have been networking and looking for a job.    Plus I have an idea for a new business.  I also hang out at Starbucks with a friend of mine to chat and also to get work done.  Another major development in my life is free counseling via a wonderful person.  I have Puah to thank for for that.

Another question that I have been struggling with is how to deal with the pain associated with seeing other pregnant women and women with babies and toddlers? How do I get rid of the piercing pain that stabs my heart and hurts the very core of my neshama?  There are no easy answers.  We are in the month of Elul, a time for transformation.  Hashem is also in the field so He is within reach to hear heartfelt prayers.  The Hebrew verb for praying is “Hitpalel” which is a reflexive verb.   Prayer in this context is a time for self-reflection.

After analyzing the source of my emotions at shul when I see a pregnant woman or a woman with a a baby/small children, I came to the realization that deep down inside I really do not believe that I could possibly get pregnant.   What if I took a different perspective and applied emunah (faith) and I told myself that regardless I will be a mother whether through pregnancy or adoption?  Would that change how I view pregnant women and women with babies and toddlers.  Through the encouragement of my counselor, I am embarking on a journey of going to shul during kiddish and actually being around these very woman who unwittingly are a source of my pain.  If I do not go through with this, then how can I possibly grow?

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chocolate frozen custard
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Remember the infertility support group that I was trying to initiate for childless Jewish couples?  Well, it has been 3 days since I posted my announcement via the shul classifieds and the local community craigslist style email.  No response yet.  It is a small community so perhaps will take time to find a handful of couples.  Sigh! I get so easily discouraged.

Remember the emotional rollercoaster?  Well I am back on it.  Today I went for a big ride up and down.    The downward ride was very steep.   I am feeling very left out of the mommy club.  I was however good to myself and ate some chocolate ice cream.

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