I have mentioned in prior blogs that the hardest part of infertility is being in the Orthodox Jewish world. While it is wonderful that we are thwarting Hitler through the birth of every Jewish baby, being left out is the toughest emotional challenge. No matter how small or large the shul is, even with the passage of time, the pain is still there. There is no escaping pregnant women or birth announcements. Recently I heard the announcement of the birth of a baby boy. I feel crappy for myself although I am happy for the family. I cried out to Hashem that the pain is becoming very unbearable. The burden and guilt associated with being the one with the fertility issue hurts to the very core of my neshama. Yet what can I do? I am powerless, at the mercy of Hashem’s compassion and loving kindness.
I do not know what words of encouragement that I can offer to myself and others as I go through this pain which is a natural part of the process. I am learning a lot about myself through this very unpleasant journey across the valley of infertility. There are certain negative characteristics that have been instilled in me through my very super critical parents. As a child, I was compared to others. I also heard tons of negative comments about other people. As a result, it has been ingrained to view myself in the context of other people. As Rabbi Arush would say, we each have our individual soul correction to go through. I am having a tough time accepting the fact that infertility is part of my soul correction. The fact that other women have babies, or are pregnant, has no bearing on my present circumstance. The challenge is to accept my suffering with love and enuma, with the knowledge that soon this present situation will be over.
I have also heard that if we all were to lay down our packages, representing the very tests that Hashem has given us, and offered a choice of selecting a package that we could live with, we would pick the original package that was given to us.
As for the waiting and waiting until I get to travel to see my doctor for the next round of treatments, I must be patient and use this time to the best of my G-D given ability to grow. May the tears of pain that I weep today turn into tears of joy over the unfolding of Hashem’s greatest miracle.
Rivka's Fertility Blog 